[ There's the tiniest little blip of apprehension when Blue says that, because oh no, what did he do. Are they magic? Did he put some kind of curse on Blue? Or Xichen? Break a law? Is Xichen going to come screaming at Yzak soon for something? His brow furrows. ]
More? What do you mean more?
I didn't break some kind of magic spell on it or something, doing that, did I?
[Blue's expression remains mild, indicating no real harm done. his mouth is still curved up in gentle amusement, though it softens a bit as he curiously observes Yzak's reactions to this information.]
No, not magic. He said traditionally, the betrothed is the one who ties that ribbon on someone. [he tilts his head.] Though, I suppose the initial gifting...isn't included. Since he said that was family.
I can't say I entirely understand it from his viewpoint, but...it did inform a lot of his teasing to you.
I-I-I know that!! [ He stammers. ] Of course it doesn't count if we didn't know!
—how is this the second time we're talking about something not counting!?
[ What is he even flustering about here?? A little of everything, really, because he's Yzak and he overreacts to the smallest thing. And now it's all in his head, the image of him back on Badrock carefully tying the ribbon to Blue's wrist, Xichen poking fun at him, that he JUST likened wanting to deepen his relationship with Blue to marriage even though it wasn't quite the same...!
(it might also be a kneejerk reaction that he didn't realize he had when it hears the word betrothed, thanks to his bullshit back home. that automatic fight or flight kicking in where he's done both) ]
I'm not ready for something like that anyway! No - I mean, I am, because I'm more than capable of course! Especially if Athrun could be engaged back when he was fifteen and to someone as wonderful as Lacus Clyne no less!
[ He said all of the above in a single breath. So when he finally gets a chance to catch it again, it at least settles him down a little. ]
[ For literally any other person this wouldn't have been a big deal. Poor Blue, getting this kind of impression of things from the most overreactive and flustering source.
That touch does calm him (and his heart) down a little more. But he's cool! He's fine! (until his next run-in with Xichen, probably) ]
Of course it is! That's a huge, important thing to tons of people, not just me.
[ Why does he keep ending up in these conversations. ]
Optional part of it ... though on PLANT, if you want that option, then you in turn lose the option to pick who you're having a child with. And I think you've gleaned my opinions about most of that. [ Not the biggest fan!! Though at the same time, he was raised with that as a norm and the dutiful man in him still has a hard time pulling away from that mindset. ]
But that ruins the whole point to me!! [ He huffs, stubborn, slowly melting into the sap he actually is inside. ] Because it's love and commitment that are more important when you make that kind of union!
Blue does him the kindness of looking askance for the few beats it takes to consider this as opposed to laser-focusing on his face and completely KO-ing him. still, this is a plainly rough ride ahead for dear Yzak.]
Love and commitment... How does it scale? Comparatively. What changes? [a slight pause.] Rather...what do you expect...would change?
But at the question, he looks thoughtful. How does it scale in a way one can put into words? And to someone like Blue? Not to mention that he's probably the worst person to explain this kind of thing. ]
Betrothal is a promise of marriage, which is an even deeper entanglement! It's a lifelong commitment, an agreement to share your whole lives together. Through sickness and health, until death do you part, all of that shit they say at weddings! It's like ... two halves becoming whole, like becoming two wings on a bird because they can't fly with just one!
... there's a bunch of legal bullshit attached to it, too. But I'm not talking about that part right now!
[two halves... two wings... beautiful similes (which Yzak would say of course they're beautiful AND precise because he's nothing but efficient and accurate.
until death...
Blue's expression clouds over, growing distant and more withdrawn in thought.]
That's why it can't happen by accident, just because of some custom one doesn't know about...!
...
Although it is an interesting one, I'll admit. I've never heard of something like that before. [ Outside of this whole awkward thing, his interest is actually caught. If he doesn't throttle Xichen, maybe he'll even ask him about it. (and more)
He's still rambling like a fool, so he'll catch Blue's expression once he's done with that. ]
But the point is! Imagine being forced to make that kind of commitment with someone you're just genetically compatible with! What if they're an asshole? What if you can't stand them? There's no actual feelings there as a foundation! I'm sure if someone back home wanted a child more than all of that, it could be worth putting up with it. But that's their choice!
[ And choice, control, is something Yzak hates not having. ]
[Blue hears him, but he can't rightly say he's completely on the same wavelength for most of it. he understands the concern - especially where choice factors in - but he doesn't entirely relate to the outrage.
they are not truly wedded, after all; neither of them claimed to be, and Lan Xichen's remarks do not change that.
his gaze flits back, expression still rather withdrawn.]
Rather... It is yours. You needn't worry; I haven't assumed...that anything so binding has occurred.
—I'm not worried! I know Xichen was just being a smartass about it! That guy...
[ And yET WHO'S THE ONE HAVING A TIZZY ABOUT EVERYTHING?
After he says Xichen's name, though, he mutters. ]
He was familiar with a lot of stories and myths that I know ... I wonder if he's familiar with the Jian bird, too. [ He adds, to Blue, to elaborate: ] That's ... the mythical bird behind that whole "two wings" thing I just mentioned.
[ N E R D.
Once he's done with that rambling, though, he turns his attention to Blue's face, his own turning curious. ]
[it's the way Yzak's focus gently pokes at Blue's own that gets him more than the question spoken aloud; after a beat, he seems to blink out of the little trance his mood's put him in.
he shakes his head slightly.]
I understand better. Why such a notion would bother you. Thank you.
But, [ Yzak now turns in toward him to keep him staying precisely where he is - there is no escape. Well, well, well, how the turntables, etc. ] don't think I can't tell you're letting something else run around in that head of yours!
[ He's friends with Athrun, okay. He knows these looks. ]
[Blue's mouth twitches and curves up on one side after Yzak's resettled, thankful for the strength of his perceptiveness...but wishing there was more of it. so much could be left unsaid...!]
Melancholy things. Jealous wishes and little sighs one can do little about but feel them.
[ He crosses his arms, and in the process, deliberately gives Blue a little nudge with his elbow. Along with a look, even if his tone doesn't reflect it. ]
And I told you, I want to know about those, too. Goodness knows I have enough of them myself...
[more peculiar paradoxes...folded arms, presupposing a closing-off of one's interest and heart, coupled with the plain, honestly-spoken interest and curiosity that supersedes those arms.
after that little nudge, Blue slips an arm through the crook of one of Yzak's folded own to more comfortably settle against him in this new angling. he rests his head against the backboard behind them, sighing out the little laugh in his breath.]
I'm jealous of whoever it is...the one you'll marry in your future. I don't even know what they look like.
[ But it clicks, after that quick moment. It's odd ... how separate both his life back home and his life now feel. Not that either hasn't directly influenced or is actively influencing the other, because they have, they are. Even with this silly harmless nonsense with the ribbon, Yzak was only reacting in the moment, not thinking about anything beyond that. Beyond right now.
So those words from Blue cause a nice concoction of thoughts and emotions within him. First of all, there's an automatic grip, tight like a vice to those feelings for Blue at the mere implication of any sort of separation from them, from him. Even though there's that knowledge of the reality, that sword simply hanging over them, unable to be ignored or pushed away that causes Yzak's stomach to turn when he has to directly perceive it. There's some disgust at the thought? Because right now he is here with Blue and the mere thought of anybody else, even some theoretical person in some theoretical future, feels almost adulterous! There's also that tiny part of him that he can't help - that oddly good sort of feeling that comes with Blue's admittance of jealousy? If only because it reinforces that he cares about him that much, too.
He frowns, trying to physically play it cool, even though he knows he can't, and leans his head back as well, shutting his eyes and looking put off! ]
W-who even said that's going to happen!?
[ ...
Wanting to say more. Knowing he can't say more. Still wishing all the same he could. Desperation for some kind of miracle, some sort of solution that changes course to avoid this cliff they're speeding directly toward. ]
[Blue's smile, while still fond and genuine, wanes with a pained note by the way his brow creases. he's grateful for every feeling he can glean - even the less-than-comfortable ones - but he knows even obliging Yzak's ask to know his own sets an inevitable burden upon his heart.
and so it goes: wrestling with that weight, trying to accommodate it alongside his hopes underneath the shadow of that sword. Blue is silent witness to it, thankful and mournful.
who even said that's going to happen!?
Blue closes his eyes.]
If there is ground for it... It should. You shouldn't have to linger alone, all because...
[ Whether Blue was intending to finish that sentence or not, one of Yzak's hands go up, his eyes opening again. ]
No.
[ He's starting to feel like a dam barely holding against this sudden flood of feelings pushing their way through. Maybe it's because so much of his energy is on trying to steel himself right now that he can speak and sound almost calm. ]
I don't want to think about that.
[ It's always pressing against the back of his mind as it is. Starting to become as frightening as all of those fears and doubts he had at the start of this. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh? Or some messy combination of both. ]
I didn't even want to think about it before I came here.
[ To the Ximilia. Because he was busy self-sabotaging himself from his mother's insistence to start talking to women. So that much hasn't changed.
Even if everything around it has changed a little.
A silent moment passes, and he looks down, voice growing lower, softer. ]
You said it before, that all we had was now and that was okay to keep.
[ Blue's words, back on Badrock. Though since then there's been that slowly growing desperation inside of Yzak. The kind that he always has to do his best to cut off because he's too much of a realist to believe in anything more. But no matter how much he tries to get rid of this one... ]
And we don't know ... what tomorrow will bring.
[ ... it keeps coming back. An answer. A miracle. Some mission on a planet with magic they've never seen before. (people can change why they've come here too can't they why he's here is so important but how does one weigh something like that against something like this it's impossible and you've seen the danger and the pain contracts with these orbs bring but you see the pain awaiting you can you even have more than one contract would the pain from that be worth getting rid of this pain that would depend wouldn't it would you be able to have a choice there you wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if you just focused on your mission instead you should know better by now but here you are hurting yourself again and losing like you always do because you can't stop making mis)—
He's mentioned them before, those raw, unchecked, awful thoughts that the mind can't help but have before you can decide if you actually want them. Yzak cuts that off by shaking his head, that raised hand coming to hold it. ]
[this is the problem with empathy: knowingly leaving these kinds of tremors, these disruptions and bothering old wounds and proclivities. Blue has long accepted it among his own kind, but there's still a kind of preciousness to the bonds he's made here with humans - even Finn - where he feels a touch too responsible for their own wellbeing...when it is themselves who must come to accounts with it in the end. alone.
how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
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no subject
More? What do you mean more?
I didn't break some kind of magic spell on it or something, doing that, did I?
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No, not magic. He said traditionally, the betrothed is the one who ties that ribbon on someone. [he tilts his head.] Though, I suppose the initial gifting...isn't included. Since he said that was family.
I can't say I entirely understand it from his viewpoint, but...it did inform a lot of his teasing to you.
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WHAT
[ Yzak's only immediate reaction is his brain screeching to a halt. BETROTHED?!
The sudden urge to shake the life out of Xichen is coming up right behind that, though. ]
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Blue flinches a little at the physical and mental volume, ducking his head for a beat before peeking back up through his bangs.]
In--in his customs, Yzak. They don't...hold meaning unless you accept them. It's alright--
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—how is this the second time we're talking about something not counting!?
[ What is he even flustering about here?? A little of everything, really, because he's Yzak and he overreacts to the smallest thing. And now it's all in his head, the image of him back on Badrock carefully tying the ribbon to Blue's wrist, Xichen poking fun at him, that he JUST likened wanting to deepen his relationship with Blue to marriage even though it wasn't quite the same...!
(it might also be a kneejerk reaction that he didn't realize he had when it hears the word betrothed, thanks to his bullshit back home. that automatic fight or flight kicking in where he's done both) ]
I'm not ready for something like that anyway! No - I mean, I am, because I'm more than capable of course! Especially if Athrun could be engaged back when he was fifteen and to someone as wonderful as Lacus Clyne no less!
[ He said all of the above in a single breath. So when he finally gets a chance to catch it again, it at least settles him down a little. ]
But you're right. It is alright!
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well, this is how one learns, isn't it.
he presses his palm on Yzak's chest in an effort to anchor him.]
...But it still...is important a thing to you, clearly. In some way. Or many.
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That touch does calm him (and his heart) down a little more. But he's cool! He's fine! (until his next run-in with Xichen, probably) ]
Of course it is! That's a huge, important thing to tons of people, not just me.
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well, he tries to think about it from Yzak's perspective, from what he's shared of his world.]
It has...different meanings where you're from, I think. More than simply pairing up for children, but...that's part of it, isn't it?
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Optional part of it ... though on PLANT, if you want that option, then you in turn lose the option to pick who you're having a child with. And I think you've gleaned my opinions about most of that. [ Not the biggest fan!! Though at the same time, he was raised with that as a norm and the dutiful man in him still has a hard time pulling away from that mindset. ]
But that ruins the whole point to me!! [ He huffs, stubborn, slowly melting into the sap he actually is inside. ] Because it's love and commitment that are more important when you make that kind of union!
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Blue does him the kindness of looking askance for the few beats it takes to consider this as opposed to laser-focusing on his face and completely KO-ing him. still, this is a plainly rough ride ahead for dear Yzak.]
Love and commitment... How does it scale? Comparatively. What changes? [a slight pause.] Rather...what do you expect...would change?
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But at the question, he looks thoughtful. How does it scale in a way one can put into words? And to someone like Blue? Not to mention that he's probably the worst person to explain this kind of thing. ]
Betrothal is a promise of marriage, which is an even deeper entanglement! It's a lifelong commitment, an agreement to share your whole lives together. Through sickness and health, until death do you part, all of that shit they say at weddings! It's like ... two halves becoming whole, like becoming two wings on a bird because they can't fly with just one!
... there's a bunch of legal bullshit attached to it, too. But I'm not talking about that part right now!
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[two halves... two wings... beautiful similes (which Yzak would say of course they're beautiful AND precise because he's nothing but efficient and accurate.
until death...
Blue's expression clouds over, growing distant and more withdrawn in thought.]
...I see...
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...
Although it is an interesting one, I'll admit. I've never heard of something like that before. [ Outside of this whole awkward thing, his interest is actually caught. If he doesn't throttle Xichen, maybe he'll even ask him about it. (and more)
He's still rambling like a fool, so he'll catch Blue's expression once he's done with that. ]
But the point is! Imagine being forced to make that kind of commitment with someone you're just genetically compatible with! What if they're an asshole? What if you can't stand them? There's no actual feelings there as a foundation! I'm sure if someone back home wanted a child more than all of that, it could be worth putting up with it. But that's their choice!
[ And choice, control, is something Yzak hates not having. ]
no subject
they are not truly wedded, after all; neither of them claimed to be, and Lan Xichen's remarks do not change that.
his gaze flits back, expression still rather withdrawn.]
Rather... It is yours. You needn't worry; I haven't assumed...that anything so binding has occurred.
[you're not trapped, one-winged boy.]
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—I'm not worried! I know Xichen was just being a smartass about it! That guy...
[ And yET WHO'S THE ONE HAVING A TIZZY ABOUT EVERYTHING?
After he says Xichen's name, though, he mutters. ]
He was familiar with a lot of stories and myths that I know ... I wonder if he's familiar with the Jian bird, too. [ He adds, to Blue, to elaborate: ] That's ... the mythical bird behind that whole "two wings" thing I just mentioned.
[ N E R D.
Once he's done with that rambling, though, he turns his attention to Blue's face, his own turning curious. ]
What is it?
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he shakes his head slightly.]
I understand better. Why such a notion would bother you. Thank you.
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But, [ Yzak now turns in toward him to keep him staying precisely where he is - there is no escape. Well, well, well, how the turntables, etc. ] don't think I can't tell you're letting something else run around in that head of yours!
[ He's friends with Athrun, okay. He knows these looks. ]
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Melancholy things. Jealous wishes and little sighs one can do little about but feel them.
You know the sort.
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[ He crosses his arms, and in the process, deliberately gives Blue a little nudge with his elbow. Along with a look, even if his tone doesn't reflect it. ]
And I told you, I want to know about those, too. Goodness knows I have enough of them myself...
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after that little nudge, Blue slips an arm through the crook of one of Yzak's folded own to more comfortably settle against him in this new angling. he rests his head against the backboard behind them, sighing out the little laugh in his breath.]
I'm jealous of whoever it is...the one you'll marry in your future. I don't even know what they look like.
1/2
Marry?? In his future??
But ... can't marry someone unless you are in a relationship with them first.
Yzak is in a relationship right now?? With Blue??
But Blue is referring to another person??
How can Yzak marry someone not Blue if Yzak in relationship with Blue??
For a moment, he just stares at him like that's the wildest thing he's ever said.
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So those words from Blue cause a nice concoction of thoughts and emotions within him. First of all, there's an automatic grip, tight like a vice to those feelings for Blue at the mere implication of any sort of separation from them, from him. Even though there's that knowledge of the reality, that sword simply hanging over them, unable to be ignored or pushed away that causes Yzak's stomach to turn when he has to directly perceive it. There's some disgust at the thought? Because right now he is here with Blue and the mere thought of anybody else, even some theoretical person in some theoretical future, feels almost adulterous! There's also that tiny part of him that he can't help - that oddly good sort of feeling that comes with Blue's admittance of jealousy? If only because it reinforces that he cares about him that much, too.
He frowns, trying to physically play it cool, even though he knows he can't, and leans his head back as well, shutting his eyes and looking put off! ]
W-who even said that's going to happen!?
[ ...
Wanting to say more. Knowing he can't say more. Still wishing all the same he could. Desperation for some kind of miracle, some sort of solution that changes course to avoid this cliff they're speeding directly toward. ]
no subject
and so it goes: wrestling with that weight, trying to accommodate it alongside his hopes underneath the shadow of that sword. Blue is silent witness to it, thankful and mournful.
who even said that's going to happen!?
Blue closes his eyes.]
If there is ground for it... It should. You shouldn't have to linger alone, all because...
[because I won't be able to be there for you.]
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No.
[ He's starting to feel like a dam barely holding against this sudden flood of feelings pushing their way through. Maybe it's because so much of his energy is on trying to steel himself right now that he can speak and sound almost calm. ]
I don't want to think about that.
[ It's always pressing against the back of his mind as it is. Starting to become as frightening as all of those fears and doubts he had at the start of this. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh? Or some messy combination of both. ]
I didn't even want to think about it before I came here.
[ To the Ximilia. Because he was busy self-sabotaging himself from his mother's insistence to start talking to women. So that much hasn't changed.
Even if everything around it has changed a little.
A silent moment passes, and he looks down, voice growing lower, softer. ]
You said it before, that all we had was now and that was okay to keep.
[ Blue's words, back on Badrock. Though since then there's been that slowly growing desperation inside of Yzak. The kind that he always has to do his best to cut off because he's too much of a realist to believe in anything more. But no matter how much he tries to get rid of this one... ]
And we don't know ... what tomorrow will bring.
[ ... it keeps coming back. An answer. A miracle. Some mission on a planet with magic they've never seen before. (people can change why they've come here too can't they why he's here is so important but how does one weigh something like that against something like this it's impossible and you've seen the danger and the pain contracts with these orbs bring but you see the pain awaiting you can you even have more than one contract would the pain from that be worth getting rid of this pain that would depend wouldn't it would you be able to have a choice there you wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if you just focused on your mission instead you should know better by now but here you are hurting yourself again and losing like you always do because you can't stop making mis)—
He's mentioned them before, those raw, unchecked, awful thoughts that the mind can't help but have before you can decide if you actually want them. Yzak cuts that off by shaking his head, that raised hand coming to hold it. ]
Shit...
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how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
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