[this is the problem with empathy: knowingly leaving these kinds of tremors, these disruptions and bothering old wounds and proclivities. Blue has long accepted it among his own kind, but there's still a kind of preciousness to the bonds he's made here with humans - even Finn - where he feels a touch too responsible for their own wellbeing...when it is themselves who must come to accounts with it in the end. alone.
how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
I'm not - I don't want to...! [ It's said back quickly, as if by reflex, so maybe a little harsher than intended. He's felt a lot of pain, plenty deserved, and he knows that, accepts it as part of him and makes no excuses for it. Some, not so much. He deserves what he carries for his crimes, for every drop of blood he's shed, both innocent and willing to die. For the way he used to be, horrible toward others who are no longer here to make amends with; all he can do is dutifully lay flowers at their graves and keep fighting for their sakes because it's what he decided the life he was lucky to still have would be for, moving forward. But does he deserve it for something like this? For love? No, he doesn't think so. He's never thought anybody deserved that.
He's just tired of feeling that pain at all. Because it seems like it never stops, like some kind of curse on him. He understands it - no light without darkness - but it always seems like he's in the dark most of the time with only brief, bright flickers of light there to tease him and disappear before he can reach and properly take hold of them. And those bright flashes illuminate everything around him, give the illusion that maybe the scales have finally tipped. But they don't. ]
You are good to me, you idiot. [ Good to me. Good ... for me. Yes, this last stretch of time has certainly proved that. ] That has nothing to do with anything else. [ That he's good to him (because forget this 'try' shit) is exactly why he's still here despite everything. And why he's not leaving. ]
And you have nothing to apologize for.
[ Because really, it's not like Blue can help it ... even though he did admit that he doesn't mean to, acknowledges how things are rather than putting some blame on himself for it. Which Yzak is grateful to hear, even if this hurts. He moves the hand from his own head, wrist twisting slightly to rest it atop of Blue's on his shoulder. ]
[it might be a secret kind of blessing, being exhausted of pain; it means he's not yet numb to suffering. it means there's still a capacity to fully embrace the goodness that exists despite the pain.
still...pain is pain, isn't it. Blue breathes out a sigh through his nose as he takes in these feelings and--
and shivers at the end of the exhale, tensing up in the telltale sign that he's lost it again. his psionics... like the flicking of a switch, the temperature, color, and sound of Yzak's mind vanishes, and Blue can only hang onto him the tighter to ensure he's still present and aware, all in the midst of hearing you have nothing to apologize for.]
I-I know... But still... As long as I can leave you with more happiness than sorrow...
[ He hears that word again, and he doesn't want to. Leave. ]
You don't have to worry yourself about that.
And, you haven't left yet.
[ And it's all the better Blue's psionics blip out at that moment, because he still thinks, he still hopes, he still wishes to challenge fate and punch it in its fucking face. Some way. Any way? And maybe wr can find a way ... you won't have to.
...
Nothing. ]
Mm-?
[ He turns his gaze down to Blue, feeling him shiver. ]
[and it's cold. but...Yzak is still warm. still present. so while it troubles him to his core to be suddenly so alone in his head, his outer senses are still enough to keep him rooted here.]
[ You know what would be cool? ONE NICE THING. ONE NICE DAY WITH NOTHING SHITTY OR SAD HAPPENING!! Blue's psionics going out now of all times just makes everything hurt even more.
...
Though, it's for sure all worse on Blue. Not just losing his abilities now, but dealing with his own feelings on top of all of Yzak's just moments ago. This isn't the time for him to wallow, even though he wishes he could actually push all of these painful thoughts clawing at his mind away. ]
Of all the fucking times...
[ He mutters, frustrated - but, you know, just frustrated at It Being A Thing At All.
He shifts though, because he's well aware of what Blue needs at a time like this by now, so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
... Sorry.
[ He almost said that in his mind out of reflex, but speaks it instead. ]
[because it's passed before. it's just a matter of waiting it out.
he seems to shrink a little in Yzak's arms, curling up closer for more points of contact, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling his head under his chin.]
He almost says I'll always be here, because he has said he's only a earpiece call away if this happens. But ... maybe that's not a good thing to say right now, after everything. Because he's the only one who can say it. Salt in the wound.
Yzak dips his chin down, giving Blue all of the contact he needs in turn. The more he sits here holding him like this, the more he doesn't want to let him go.
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how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
no subject
He's just tired of feeling that pain at all. Because it seems like it never stops, like some kind of curse on him. He understands it - no light without darkness - but it always seems like he's in the dark most of the time with only brief, bright flickers of light there to tease him and disappear before he can reach and properly take hold of them. And those bright flashes illuminate everything around him, give the illusion that maybe the scales have finally tipped. But they don't. ]
You are good to me, you idiot. [ Good to me. Good ... for me. Yes, this last stretch of time has certainly proved that. ] That has nothing to do with anything else. [ That he's good to him (because forget this 'try' shit) is exactly why he's still here despite everything. And why he's not leaving. ]
And you have nothing to apologize for.
[ Because really, it's not like Blue can help it ... even though he did admit that he doesn't mean to, acknowledges how things are rather than putting some blame on himself for it. Which Yzak is grateful to hear, even if this hurts. He moves the hand from his own head, wrist twisting slightly to rest it atop of Blue's on his shoulder. ]
no subject
still...pain is pain, isn't it. Blue breathes out a sigh through his nose as he takes in these feelings and--
and shivers at the end of the exhale, tensing up in the telltale sign that he's lost it again. his psionics... like the flicking of a switch, the temperature, color, and sound of Yzak's mind vanishes, and Blue can only hang onto him the tighter to ensure he's still present and aware, all in the midst of hearing you have nothing to apologize for.]
I-I know... But still... As long as I can leave you with more happiness than sorrow...
no subject
You don't have to worry yourself about that.
And, you haven't left yet.
[ And it's all the better Blue's psionics blip out at that moment, because he still thinks, he still hopes, he still wishes to challenge fate and punch it in its fucking face. Some way. Any way? And maybe wr can find a way ... you won't have to.
...
Nothing. ]
Mm-?
[ He turns his gaze down to Blue, feeling him shiver. ]
... it happened again?
no subject
[and it's cold. but...Yzak is still warm. still present. so while it troubles him to his core to be suddenly so alone in his head, his outer senses are still enough to keep him rooted here.]
no subject
...
Though, it's for sure all worse on Blue. Not just losing his abilities now, but dealing with his own feelings on top of all of Yzak's just moments ago. This isn't the time for him to wallow, even though he wishes he could actually push all of these painful thoughts clawing at his mind away. ]
Of all the fucking times...
[ He mutters, frustrated - but, you know, just frustrated at It Being A Thing At All.
He shifts though, because he's well aware of what Blue needs at a time like this by now, so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
... Sorry.
[ He almost said that in his mind out of reflex, but speaks it instead. ]
no subject
[because it's passed before. it's just a matter of waiting it out.
he seems to shrink a little in Yzak's arms, curling up closer for more points of contact, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling his head under his chin.]
I'm grateful. That you're here. If you weren't...
[it wouldn't be good at all. at all.]
no subject
[ As if he would do anything else.
He almost says I'll always be here, because he has said he's only a earpiece call away if this happens. But ... maybe that's not a good thing to say right now, after everything. Because he's the only one who can say it. Salt in the wound.
Yzak dips his chin down, giving Blue all of the contact he needs in turn. The more he sits here holding him like this, the more he doesn't want to let him go.
He doesn't want to let him go.
He doesn't want to let him go. ]