That's why it can't happen by accident, just because of some custom one doesn't know about...!
...
Although it is an interesting one, I'll admit. I've never heard of something like that before. [ Outside of this whole awkward thing, his interest is actually caught. If he doesn't throttle Xichen, maybe he'll even ask him about it. (and more)
He's still rambling like a fool, so he'll catch Blue's expression once he's done with that. ]
But the point is! Imagine being forced to make that kind of commitment with someone you're just genetically compatible with! What if they're an asshole? What if you can't stand them? There's no actual feelings there as a foundation! I'm sure if someone back home wanted a child more than all of that, it could be worth putting up with it. But that's their choice!
[ And choice, control, is something Yzak hates not having. ]
[Blue hears him, but he can't rightly say he's completely on the same wavelength for most of it. he understands the concern - especially where choice factors in - but he doesn't entirely relate to the outrage.
they are not truly wedded, after all; neither of them claimed to be, and Lan Xichen's remarks do not change that.
his gaze flits back, expression still rather withdrawn.]
Rather... It is yours. You needn't worry; I haven't assumed...that anything so binding has occurred.
—I'm not worried! I know Xichen was just being a smartass about it! That guy...
[ And yET WHO'S THE ONE HAVING A TIZZY ABOUT EVERYTHING?
After he says Xichen's name, though, he mutters. ]
He was familiar with a lot of stories and myths that I know ... I wonder if he's familiar with the Jian bird, too. [ He adds, to Blue, to elaborate: ] That's ... the mythical bird behind that whole "two wings" thing I just mentioned.
[ N E R D.
Once he's done with that rambling, though, he turns his attention to Blue's face, his own turning curious. ]
[it's the way Yzak's focus gently pokes at Blue's own that gets him more than the question spoken aloud; after a beat, he seems to blink out of the little trance his mood's put him in.
he shakes his head slightly.]
I understand better. Why such a notion would bother you. Thank you.
But, [ Yzak now turns in toward him to keep him staying precisely where he is - there is no escape. Well, well, well, how the turntables, etc. ] don't think I can't tell you're letting something else run around in that head of yours!
[ He's friends with Athrun, okay. He knows these looks. ]
[Blue's mouth twitches and curves up on one side after Yzak's resettled, thankful for the strength of his perceptiveness...but wishing there was more of it. so much could be left unsaid...!]
Melancholy things. Jealous wishes and little sighs one can do little about but feel them.
[ He crosses his arms, and in the process, deliberately gives Blue a little nudge with his elbow. Along with a look, even if his tone doesn't reflect it. ]
And I told you, I want to know about those, too. Goodness knows I have enough of them myself...
[more peculiar paradoxes...folded arms, presupposing a closing-off of one's interest and heart, coupled with the plain, honestly-spoken interest and curiosity that supersedes those arms.
after that little nudge, Blue slips an arm through the crook of one of Yzak's folded own to more comfortably settle against him in this new angling. he rests his head against the backboard behind them, sighing out the little laugh in his breath.]
I'm jealous of whoever it is...the one you'll marry in your future. I don't even know what they look like.
[ But it clicks, after that quick moment. It's odd ... how separate both his life back home and his life now feel. Not that either hasn't directly influenced or is actively influencing the other, because they have, they are. Even with this silly harmless nonsense with the ribbon, Yzak was only reacting in the moment, not thinking about anything beyond that. Beyond right now.
So those words from Blue cause a nice concoction of thoughts and emotions within him. First of all, there's an automatic grip, tight like a vice to those feelings for Blue at the mere implication of any sort of separation from them, from him. Even though there's that knowledge of the reality, that sword simply hanging over them, unable to be ignored or pushed away that causes Yzak's stomach to turn when he has to directly perceive it. There's some disgust at the thought? Because right now he is here with Blue and the mere thought of anybody else, even some theoretical person in some theoretical future, feels almost adulterous! There's also that tiny part of him that he can't help - that oddly good sort of feeling that comes with Blue's admittance of jealousy? If only because it reinforces that he cares about him that much, too.
He frowns, trying to physically play it cool, even though he knows he can't, and leans his head back as well, shutting his eyes and looking put off! ]
W-who even said that's going to happen!?
[ ...
Wanting to say more. Knowing he can't say more. Still wishing all the same he could. Desperation for some kind of miracle, some sort of solution that changes course to avoid this cliff they're speeding directly toward. ]
[Blue's smile, while still fond and genuine, wanes with a pained note by the way his brow creases. he's grateful for every feeling he can glean - even the less-than-comfortable ones - but he knows even obliging Yzak's ask to know his own sets an inevitable burden upon his heart.
and so it goes: wrestling with that weight, trying to accommodate it alongside his hopes underneath the shadow of that sword. Blue is silent witness to it, thankful and mournful.
who even said that's going to happen!?
Blue closes his eyes.]
If there is ground for it... It should. You shouldn't have to linger alone, all because...
[ Whether Blue was intending to finish that sentence or not, one of Yzak's hands go up, his eyes opening again. ]
No.
[ He's starting to feel like a dam barely holding against this sudden flood of feelings pushing their way through. Maybe it's because so much of his energy is on trying to steel himself right now that he can speak and sound almost calm. ]
I don't want to think about that.
[ It's always pressing against the back of his mind as it is. Starting to become as frightening as all of those fears and doubts he had at the start of this. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh? Or some messy combination of both. ]
I didn't even want to think about it before I came here.
[ To the Ximilia. Because he was busy self-sabotaging himself from his mother's insistence to start talking to women. So that much hasn't changed.
Even if everything around it has changed a little.
A silent moment passes, and he looks down, voice growing lower, softer. ]
You said it before, that all we had was now and that was okay to keep.
[ Blue's words, back on Badrock. Though since then there's been that slowly growing desperation inside of Yzak. The kind that he always has to do his best to cut off because he's too much of a realist to believe in anything more. But no matter how much he tries to get rid of this one... ]
And we don't know ... what tomorrow will bring.
[ ... it keeps coming back. An answer. A miracle. Some mission on a planet with magic they've never seen before. (people can change why they've come here too can't they why he's here is so important but how does one weigh something like that against something like this it's impossible and you've seen the danger and the pain contracts with these orbs bring but you see the pain awaiting you can you even have more than one contract would the pain from that be worth getting rid of this pain that would depend wouldn't it would you be able to have a choice there you wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if you just focused on your mission instead you should know better by now but here you are hurting yourself again and losing like you always do because you can't stop making mis)—
He's mentioned them before, those raw, unchecked, awful thoughts that the mind can't help but have before you can decide if you actually want them. Yzak cuts that off by shaking his head, that raised hand coming to hold it. ]
[this is the problem with empathy: knowingly leaving these kinds of tremors, these disruptions and bothering old wounds and proclivities. Blue has long accepted it among his own kind, but there's still a kind of preciousness to the bonds he's made here with humans - even Finn - where he feels a touch too responsible for their own wellbeing...when it is themselves who must come to accounts with it in the end. alone.
how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
I'm not - I don't want to...! [ It's said back quickly, as if by reflex, so maybe a little harsher than intended. He's felt a lot of pain, plenty deserved, and he knows that, accepts it as part of him and makes no excuses for it. Some, not so much. He deserves what he carries for his crimes, for every drop of blood he's shed, both innocent and willing to die. For the way he used to be, horrible toward others who are no longer here to make amends with; all he can do is dutifully lay flowers at their graves and keep fighting for their sakes because it's what he decided the life he was lucky to still have would be for, moving forward. But does he deserve it for something like this? For love? No, he doesn't think so. He's never thought anybody deserved that.
He's just tired of feeling that pain at all. Because it seems like it never stops, like some kind of curse on him. He understands it - no light without darkness - but it always seems like he's in the dark most of the time with only brief, bright flickers of light there to tease him and disappear before he can reach and properly take hold of them. And those bright flashes illuminate everything around him, give the illusion that maybe the scales have finally tipped. But they don't. ]
You are good to me, you idiot. [ Good to me. Good ... for me. Yes, this last stretch of time has certainly proved that. ] That has nothing to do with anything else. [ That he's good to him (because forget this 'try' shit) is exactly why he's still here despite everything. And why he's not leaving. ]
And you have nothing to apologize for.
[ Because really, it's not like Blue can help it ... even though he did admit that he doesn't mean to, acknowledges how things are rather than putting some blame on himself for it. Which Yzak is grateful to hear, even if this hurts. He moves the hand from his own head, wrist twisting slightly to rest it atop of Blue's on his shoulder. ]
[it might be a secret kind of blessing, being exhausted of pain; it means he's not yet numb to suffering. it means there's still a capacity to fully embrace the goodness that exists despite the pain.
still...pain is pain, isn't it. Blue breathes out a sigh through his nose as he takes in these feelings and--
and shivers at the end of the exhale, tensing up in the telltale sign that he's lost it again. his psionics... like the flicking of a switch, the temperature, color, and sound of Yzak's mind vanishes, and Blue can only hang onto him the tighter to ensure he's still present and aware, all in the midst of hearing you have nothing to apologize for.]
I-I know... But still... As long as I can leave you with more happiness than sorrow...
[ He hears that word again, and he doesn't want to. Leave. ]
You don't have to worry yourself about that.
And, you haven't left yet.
[ And it's all the better Blue's psionics blip out at that moment, because he still thinks, he still hopes, he still wishes to challenge fate and punch it in its fucking face. Some way. Any way? And maybe wr can find a way ... you won't have to.
...
Nothing. ]
Mm-?
[ He turns his gaze down to Blue, feeling him shiver. ]
[and it's cold. but...Yzak is still warm. still present. so while it troubles him to his core to be suddenly so alone in his head, his outer senses are still enough to keep him rooted here.]
[ You know what would be cool? ONE NICE THING. ONE NICE DAY WITH NOTHING SHITTY OR SAD HAPPENING!! Blue's psionics going out now of all times just makes everything hurt even more.
...
Though, it's for sure all worse on Blue. Not just losing his abilities now, but dealing with his own feelings on top of all of Yzak's just moments ago. This isn't the time for him to wallow, even though he wishes he could actually push all of these painful thoughts clawing at his mind away. ]
Of all the fucking times...
[ He mutters, frustrated - but, you know, just frustrated at It Being A Thing At All.
He shifts though, because he's well aware of what Blue needs at a time like this by now, so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
... Sorry.
[ He almost said that in his mind out of reflex, but speaks it instead. ]
[because it's passed before. it's just a matter of waiting it out.
he seems to shrink a little in Yzak's arms, curling up closer for more points of contact, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling his head under his chin.]
He almost says I'll always be here, because he has said he's only a earpiece call away if this happens. But ... maybe that's not a good thing to say right now, after everything. Because he's the only one who can say it. Salt in the wound.
Yzak dips his chin down, giving Blue all of the contact he needs in turn. The more he sits here holding him like this, the more he doesn't want to let him go.
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no subject
...
Although it is an interesting one, I'll admit. I've never heard of something like that before. [ Outside of this whole awkward thing, his interest is actually caught. If he doesn't throttle Xichen, maybe he'll even ask him about it. (and more)
He's still rambling like a fool, so he'll catch Blue's expression once he's done with that. ]
But the point is! Imagine being forced to make that kind of commitment with someone you're just genetically compatible with! What if they're an asshole? What if you can't stand them? There's no actual feelings there as a foundation! I'm sure if someone back home wanted a child more than all of that, it could be worth putting up with it. But that's their choice!
[ And choice, control, is something Yzak hates not having. ]
no subject
they are not truly wedded, after all; neither of them claimed to be, and Lan Xichen's remarks do not change that.
his gaze flits back, expression still rather withdrawn.]
Rather... It is yours. You needn't worry; I haven't assumed...that anything so binding has occurred.
[you're not trapped, one-winged boy.]
no subject
—I'm not worried! I know Xichen was just being a smartass about it! That guy...
[ And yET WHO'S THE ONE HAVING A TIZZY ABOUT EVERYTHING?
After he says Xichen's name, though, he mutters. ]
He was familiar with a lot of stories and myths that I know ... I wonder if he's familiar with the Jian bird, too. [ He adds, to Blue, to elaborate: ] That's ... the mythical bird behind that whole "two wings" thing I just mentioned.
[ N E R D.
Once he's done with that rambling, though, he turns his attention to Blue's face, his own turning curious. ]
What is it?
no subject
he shakes his head slightly.]
I understand better. Why such a notion would bother you. Thank you.
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But, [ Yzak now turns in toward him to keep him staying precisely where he is - there is no escape. Well, well, well, how the turntables, etc. ] don't think I can't tell you're letting something else run around in that head of yours!
[ He's friends with Athrun, okay. He knows these looks. ]
no subject
Melancholy things. Jealous wishes and little sighs one can do little about but feel them.
You know the sort.
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[ He crosses his arms, and in the process, deliberately gives Blue a little nudge with his elbow. Along with a look, even if his tone doesn't reflect it. ]
And I told you, I want to know about those, too. Goodness knows I have enough of them myself...
no subject
after that little nudge, Blue slips an arm through the crook of one of Yzak's folded own to more comfortably settle against him in this new angling. he rests his head against the backboard behind them, sighing out the little laugh in his breath.]
I'm jealous of whoever it is...the one you'll marry in your future. I don't even know what they look like.
1/2
Marry?? In his future??
But ... can't marry someone unless you are in a relationship with them first.
Yzak is in a relationship right now?? With Blue??
But Blue is referring to another person??
How can Yzak marry someone not Blue if Yzak in relationship with Blue??
For a moment, he just stares at him like that's the wildest thing he's ever said.
no subject
So those words from Blue cause a nice concoction of thoughts and emotions within him. First of all, there's an automatic grip, tight like a vice to those feelings for Blue at the mere implication of any sort of separation from them, from him. Even though there's that knowledge of the reality, that sword simply hanging over them, unable to be ignored or pushed away that causes Yzak's stomach to turn when he has to directly perceive it. There's some disgust at the thought? Because right now he is here with Blue and the mere thought of anybody else, even some theoretical person in some theoretical future, feels almost adulterous! There's also that tiny part of him that he can't help - that oddly good sort of feeling that comes with Blue's admittance of jealousy? If only because it reinforces that he cares about him that much, too.
He frowns, trying to physically play it cool, even though he knows he can't, and leans his head back as well, shutting his eyes and looking put off! ]
W-who even said that's going to happen!?
[ ...
Wanting to say more. Knowing he can't say more. Still wishing all the same he could. Desperation for some kind of miracle, some sort of solution that changes course to avoid this cliff they're speeding directly toward. ]
no subject
and so it goes: wrestling with that weight, trying to accommodate it alongside his hopes underneath the shadow of that sword. Blue is silent witness to it, thankful and mournful.
who even said that's going to happen!?
Blue closes his eyes.]
If there is ground for it... It should. You shouldn't have to linger alone, all because...
[because I won't be able to be there for you.]
no subject
No.
[ He's starting to feel like a dam barely holding against this sudden flood of feelings pushing their way through. Maybe it's because so much of his energy is on trying to steel himself right now that he can speak and sound almost calm. ]
I don't want to think about that.
[ It's always pressing against the back of his mind as it is. Starting to become as frightening as all of those fears and doubts he had at the start of this. If it's not one thing, it's another, huh? Or some messy combination of both. ]
I didn't even want to think about it before I came here.
[ To the Ximilia. Because he was busy self-sabotaging himself from his mother's insistence to start talking to women. So that much hasn't changed.
Even if everything around it has changed a little.
A silent moment passes, and he looks down, voice growing lower, softer. ]
You said it before, that all we had was now and that was okay to keep.
[ Blue's words, back on Badrock. Though since then there's been that slowly growing desperation inside of Yzak. The kind that he always has to do his best to cut off because he's too much of a realist to believe in anything more. But no matter how much he tries to get rid of this one... ]
And we don't know ... what tomorrow will bring.
[ ... it keeps coming back. An answer. A miracle. Some mission on a planet with magic they've never seen before. (people can change why they've come here too can't they why he's here is so important but how does one weigh something like that against something like this it's impossible and you've seen the danger and the pain contracts with these orbs bring but you see the pain awaiting you can you even have more than one contract would the pain from that be worth getting rid of this pain that would depend wouldn't it would you be able to have a choice there you wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if you just focused on your mission instead you should know better by now but here you are hurting yourself again and losing like you always do because you can't stop making mis)—
He's mentioned them before, those raw, unchecked, awful thoughts that the mind can't help but have before you can decide if you actually want them. Yzak cuts that off by shaking his head, that raised hand coming to hold it. ]
Shit...
no subject
how dreadful. he doesn't want that for any of them, least of all Yzak.]
...Forgive me, Yzak. [he dips his head, resting it against his shoulder.] I know...I hurt you. Without meaning to. Because of the way things are. No matter what I do...to try to be good to you...
[quieter:] I hurt you.
Please...don't ever think that pain...is justly deserved.
no subject
He's just tired of feeling that pain at all. Because it seems like it never stops, like some kind of curse on him. He understands it - no light without darkness - but it always seems like he's in the dark most of the time with only brief, bright flickers of light there to tease him and disappear before he can reach and properly take hold of them. And those bright flashes illuminate everything around him, give the illusion that maybe the scales have finally tipped. But they don't. ]
You are good to me, you idiot. [ Good to me. Good ... for me. Yes, this last stretch of time has certainly proved that. ] That has nothing to do with anything else. [ That he's good to him (because forget this 'try' shit) is exactly why he's still here despite everything. And why he's not leaving. ]
And you have nothing to apologize for.
[ Because really, it's not like Blue can help it ... even though he did admit that he doesn't mean to, acknowledges how things are rather than putting some blame on himself for it. Which Yzak is grateful to hear, even if this hurts. He moves the hand from his own head, wrist twisting slightly to rest it atop of Blue's on his shoulder. ]
no subject
still...pain is pain, isn't it. Blue breathes out a sigh through his nose as he takes in these feelings and--
and shivers at the end of the exhale, tensing up in the telltale sign that he's lost it again. his psionics... like the flicking of a switch, the temperature, color, and sound of Yzak's mind vanishes, and Blue can only hang onto him the tighter to ensure he's still present and aware, all in the midst of hearing you have nothing to apologize for.]
I-I know... But still... As long as I can leave you with more happiness than sorrow...
no subject
You don't have to worry yourself about that.
And, you haven't left yet.
[ And it's all the better Blue's psionics blip out at that moment, because he still thinks, he still hopes, he still wishes to challenge fate and punch it in its fucking face. Some way. Any way? And maybe wr can find a way ... you won't have to.
...
Nothing. ]
Mm-?
[ He turns his gaze down to Blue, feeling him shiver. ]
... it happened again?
no subject
[and it's cold. but...Yzak is still warm. still present. so while it troubles him to his core to be suddenly so alone in his head, his outer senses are still enough to keep him rooted here.]
no subject
...
Though, it's for sure all worse on Blue. Not just losing his abilities now, but dealing with his own feelings on top of all of Yzak's just moments ago. This isn't the time for him to wallow, even though he wishes he could actually push all of these painful thoughts clawing at his mind away. ]
Of all the fucking times...
[ He mutters, frustrated - but, you know, just frustrated at It Being A Thing At All.
He shifts though, because he's well aware of what Blue needs at a time like this by now, so he can wrap his arms around him. ]
... Sorry.
[ He almost said that in his mind out of reflex, but speaks it instead. ]
no subject
[because it's passed before. it's just a matter of waiting it out.
he seems to shrink a little in Yzak's arms, curling up closer for more points of contact, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling his head under his chin.]
I'm grateful. That you're here. If you weren't...
[it wouldn't be good at all. at all.]
no subject
[ As if he would do anything else.
He almost says I'll always be here, because he has said he's only a earpiece call away if this happens. But ... maybe that's not a good thing to say right now, after everything. Because he's the only one who can say it. Salt in the wound.
Yzak dips his chin down, giving Blue all of the contact he needs in turn. The more he sits here holding him like this, the more he doesn't want to let him go.
He doesn't want to let him go.
He doesn't want to let him go. ]