Yzak Jule (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
coordination) wrote2020-06-10 01:05 am
coordination) wrote2020-06-10 01:05 am
Entry tags:
Yzak SEED Novel Excerpts Part 3
Time for more! Time for my emotional suffering at these parts.
DISCLAIMER: My translations aren't always the best as I'm pretty meager at it, so some parts will be translated, and some may more be me summarizing jists of things as I probably had a tough time putting something into the right words. But also hey I'm basically mostly doing this for myself anyway.
Dearka felt lost. Now that he walked with Kira and Miriallia, he had a fact to face. This was ZAFT, so eventually this road could lead him to have to fight Yzak. Although he knew that from the start, he couldn't put his finger on the trigger when facing the Duel.
(Gundam fight stuff and weapon jargon here. NOT DOING IT. Duel try to slice slice etc)
No. Yzak was in there. He couldn't shoot someone who had always been a comrade up until now. Without thought, Dearka opened the communication line. "Yzak!" The frequency seemed to be the same as it used to be. After the sound of a sharp intake of breath A familiar voice came from the speaker.
< ...Dearka!? > It felt like so long since he last heard that voice.
< Dearka...? Is it really you? > Yzak asked in a whisper. Dearka answered as the he turned the camera on the monitor on. "Yeah... it is."
The monitor showed that the handsome face of his friend was still marked with the scar. It was the same old stubborn Yzak. Yzak's eyes were wide, dumbfounded, as he stared at Dearka on the monitor. That stunned expression gradually stiffened, and he then stared back at Dearka with a look of betrayal.
< Why are you with the Strike? What's going on, you bastard!? >
Hesitantly, Dearka raised his head. Yzak - a friend who was so stubbornly loyal to the army, how could he explain himself to him?
< I'm glad you're alive, but depending on how you answer, I might not be able to forgive you! > Though his eyes faintly swelled with tears, Yzak didn't lower his weapon.
"Yzak..." Dearka already knew. Whatever he'd try to explain, to Yzak's perception, could be taken as nothing more than an act of betrayal. But just as Dearka was going to answer--
< Dearka! >
A third voice interrupted the communication. Dearka looked at the monitor and saw the Freedom coming in from the port. "Kira!"
< That... that machine is...! > Yzak's voice shouted in surprise. He hesitated for a moment, then turned his aircraft toward it, but Dearka quickly moved between them.
"Stop it, Yzak! And Kira, too!" When Dearka yelled, Kira immediately realized the situation and stopped, hovering in front of the Buster. "Leave this guy to me!" He didn't want to fight Yzak. And just as much, he didn't want Kira to fight him, either.
< Is it really okay? > Kira asked quizzically, and Dearka replied with a 'yeah' as confidently as he could. < I understand. > Kira turned his aircraft away, but muttered as he moved away, < But, please don't let this turn into what happened between Athrun and I... >
Dearka was terrified when he realized. Despite being friends, those two turned into enemies and tried to kill one another. At this rate, he could very well repeat the same mistakes the old Kira made.
< Athrun...? > Yzak repeated the name with a confused look. He also seemed to recognize Freedom. He was probably wondering what the relationship between this Kira and Athrun was, what with them fighting for the coalition. Even if it was told to him, he might not understand...
Looking at the childlike-bewildered expression in the monitor, Dearka realized there was no use in just worrying about it. No matter how difficult it was, if he didn't want to fight Yzak, there was one thing he had to do.
Dearka opened the hatch. Yzak took in a breath.
"Let's talk without pointing guns at each other ... Yzak."
If you don't want to kill each other, you can only try talking to each other.
Buster descends to the surface, and Yzak watched it for a while. He couldn't make any sense of it. Dearka was alive when he thought he was dead, why was he in such a place? Alongside the Strike and the Freedom, and having a friendly conversation with the pilot? And why did they mention Athrun?
He didn't understand anything.
He thought Dearka could be an irresponsible guy, but not the kind that would betray his country. But when he thought about it, he couldn't understand why Athrun and Lacus did the same. There was no way for him to understand the thoughts hidden in their hearts.
"Let's talk without pointing guns at each other ... Yzak."
Recalling Dearka's earlier words, Yzak bit his lip. He didn't need to hear the story of a traitor. Action was everything. Although Dearka was alive, he never returned to the team. Not only was that considered a desertion crime, but he was also acting along with traitors. Wasn't that enough of a reason to kill him? But Yzak hesitated. Because he wanted to know. Dearka, Athrun, Lacus, Waltfeld, what they thought and why they left. Even though the anger toward them and their betrayal still remained. But, Yzak still wanted to understand the thoughts hidden in their hearts.
So he let the Duel descend in front of the Buster and got out of the cockpit. At The sight of Yzak landing on the dry earth, Dearka approached him with a look of relief. Yzak held up a pistol to his face.
"Without pointing a gun... I'm not so naive to believe an enemy's words!" Dearka's legs stopped at the sight of the gun. [Yzak] would listen to him. However, if he tried to conciliate him with some nice words, he'd change his mind about that.
Dearka looked at the determined expression on Yzak's face and sighed impatiently. "Am I really your enemy?"
When asked that, Yzak's hand that held his gun shook. No - Dearka was a friend. He's been there since they were in military school, and could dissuade Yzak's short temper as an intercession to the people around him.
So why do I have to point my gun at this guy now!?
It was Yzak who couldn't do it. "You're the one who became my enemy!" he yelled, feeling like he wanted to cry. This guy - he's the one who left me behind!
But then Dearka answered, "I don't remember becoming your enemy."
"Give me a break! You're a traitor!" Yzak yelled, holding his gun tight, worried that [Dearka] was trying to cajole him.
But Dearka continued steadily, staring at the gun. "And I'm not betraying PLANT either."
"What did you say!?"
"I just think, Naturals..." Dearka gave a sharp look that Yzak had never seen before. "I don't want to silently obey military orders and fight just to wipe out the Naturals!"
Wipe out the Naturals? Yzak was shocked by the words and unintentionally lowered his gun a little. Is that what they were trying to do? Yzak recalled the voice of the mechanic that had innocently spoke. 'We'll wipe out all the Naturals with these in no time, right?' Is that what they desired?
Dearka noticed Yzak's hesitation and smiled. "I've.. been fighting all this time without thinking." Yes, so was Yzak. "But when I became a prisoner, I thought about a lot, because what else did I have to do?" Dearka talked awkwardly about the fact that he had surrendered to and had been held on the Archangel. About how he was almost killed by a girl who had lost her loved one. "Until now, I always thought of Naturals as something so different from us. But what was the difference between their tears and the tears you shed when Nicol died? I thought..."
That's right. Natural's bled the same as he did. Yzak already knew that. But... "That's..." Yzak yelled out. "So now you's stopped killing Naturals, and are going to kill Coordinators instead?!"
"You're wrong." Dearka answered softly, with a calmness that never existed before. "We want to stop all that. That's why we're here."
Yzak's eyes widened, unable to understand what the other person was saying. "Lacus Clyne, commander Waltfeld, the same goes for those on the Eternal. Naturals killing Coordinators, Coordinators killing Naturals, we have to do something before everyone is killed, and that's why we're all together here."
Yzak was stunned, but he asked, "So - what are you doing to do?"
"Well, I don't really know yet."
"That's foolish, you bastard!" Yzak yelled in spite of himself. "You're being fooled! What can you do with three battleships?!"
Dearka laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "If you say you can't do anything, and then don't do anything, you really can't do anything."
"...!"
"That's what Kira - Freedom's pilot said. He was also Strike's former pilot."
Strike - the word still had the power to make Yzak's heart burn. Stunned, Yzak recalled the voice of the boy he heard before: 'Stop it already!' In Alaska, he had accidentally saved Yzak's life - no it wasn't an accident. Perhaps he had made up his mind since then. That was why he tried to save lives, regardless of if they were friend or foe. That boy was the enemy they used to fight with constantly? The one who injured Yzak's face, who killed Nicol--? When Yzak remembered that, his hatred reflexively started to rise.
To the already confused Yzak, Dearka gave an even more shocking statement. "He's also a Coordinator." Yzak's eyes went wide when he heard those words. But Dearka continued with an inconsolable expression, "And a friend of Athrun's since they were children."
"... What did you say?" Athrun was--? Friends? Yzak felt a chill running up his spine. "Unknowingly... they tried to kill each other?"
"No. They were aware from the very beginning. That their friend was in the enemy unit."
"That's ridiculous!" Yzak shouted, forgetting everything. Every time Strike was in front of them, a dark shadow falling over Athrun's face came to Yzak's mind. Such a thing ... was there such a tragedy?
"But if someone is an enemy, you have to shoot them, as a soldier." Dearka said bitterly. Although Yzak was still stunned, when Dearka met his gaze, he realized it. They were also facing that same situation. "Maybe I haven't seen as much as they have or have the same amount of devotion. But I've seen things." Dearka said with a decisive tone. "Seeing them. Seeing Alaska, Panama and Orb - I can't just return to ZAFT and continue taking orders after that."
"Dearka...!" Yzak was still stunned. Why? At first, he couldn't believe it. That they would betray PLANT and help the Earth Alliance. That was why he wanted to confirm their true intentions. But even upon hearing them, Yzak regretted knowing. If they were simply betraying them and joining the enemy, he could pull the trigger with no hesitation. However, with a resolve that [Yzak] never saw before, Dearka took a third path where he was neither an enemy nor an ally. Yzak on the other hand, felt as if the ground he stood on suddenly started to shake. Did he really have any words to refute [Dearka]?
He couldn't forgive the Strike. He couldn't forgive the enemy who killed Nicol. However, the people who chose to fight alongside that pilot--? These others who would also be an 'enemy' - Athurn, as well as the person standing in front of him telling him about the path he chose, could he really shoot them? The value of being a soldier required Yzak to shoot the enemy. However even though those values were very clear, he cannot eliminate the doubt in his heart. To shoot ... to not shoot... Yzak's heart kept swaying. The hand that held the gun was clammy.
Suddenly there was the faint sound of an explosion in the distance, the ground beneath Yzak's feet shook. The two realized the battle that had been interrupted had began again. They both knew that the time they had to speak to one another was over. The voice of his superior flowed out of the Yzak's communicator, mixed with other noises.
< Yzak... can you hear me?! Let's go... >
Hearing the voice, Dearka turned to return to his machine. Yzak hurriedly raised his gun. Dearka looked back over his shoulder, and despite the gun being pointed at him spoke casually. "If you think anyone not in ZAFT is an enemy, then shoot." Despite saying that, he didn't think he'd be shot. And certainly, Yzak couldn't shoot him. Whatever Dearka says, he was a deserter and a traitor. Even though he knew it was his duty to shoot such an opponent, Yzak couldn't shoot someone who was once his partner.
"You're being deceived!" What Dearka had told him was confusing, trying to stop a war with three ships that weren't on either side. Yzak didn't think it was right to simply win by killing all the Naturals. But those beliefs had to also be held by those who held higher ranks. How can people be so stupid?
But Dearka's answer was ironic. "I wonder who really is, here..."
Am I really being decieved?
Yzak stared at him. It was the only thing he could do now.
"I may not know, but I'm going." Dearka said in the end, sadly. "If it's possible, I'd rather not have to fight with you." He grabbed onto the ladder and headed up to the cockpit.
You're the one who turned into an enemy, and are saying such things...!
But- were they really the enemies...? Yzak watched Dearka disappear behind the hatch, while suppressing his wavering heart.
Around the same time on the other side of the colony.
On the Vesalius, Ades was impatiently looking at the clock waiting for the commander to return. Having lost its head and both legs, the Duel helped [Rau's GuAIZ] return to the gate.
Feeling too impatient to power down his machine when he landed, Yzak hurriedly climbed out of the cockpit and headed to the gate. Rau was in the cockpit when he retrieved the machine and had instructed to make haste in returning. His voice had sounded distressed, but Yzak didn't care if he had been injured. However, by the time he rushed to the cockpit it was empty. Yzak looked around, perplexed. Rau was nowhere to be found. Was he rushing to the bridge to take command? In that case it would have been faster to just communicate from the cockpit. Yzak, who had only seen his calm side, felt a sense of discomfort, but at least he didn't seem injured in that case.
A brief relief he felt, until the memory of his previous experience came back to mind, and Yzak bit his lip.
Enemy... Dearka, an enemy...
His head would not accept that concept. Even though Athrun and Lacus were difficult to think of as traitors, this was the person he was closest to, or at least he thought they were friends...
At the same time, there was something in Dearka's expression and demeanor he had never seen before. While they were apart, Dearka changed. Yzak felt the emptiness of being left behind. But he had already made up his mind. If he left and stopped fighting too, who was going to protect PLANT? Even now, the Earth Forces are sending soldiers and supplies from Victoria into space over and over. It wasn't possible to protect PLANT from them unless he fought. Protecting PLANT, that was the reason he entered ZAFT...
Yzak, who had been fighting in the Duel, was also watching that light. "The Vesalius is..?!" He stared at the light, appalled. The last moment of their other former battleship, the Gamow, which was destroyed along with the 8th Fleet, came to mind. "Damn it...!"
He clenched his fist tightly. Ades, the familiar crew, that mechanic who innocently commented about wiping out the enemy, were scattered in that light. Like the Gamow, but also not like the Gamow. It was Dearka, Athrun, Lacus, Waltfeld, his former brethren that shot down this ship.
Unforgivable, I can't forgive you..! Yzak clenches his teeth to try to hold back tears.
With the flagship sunk, the remaining ships and mobile suit squadrons were sent into confusion.
< What the hell? The Vesalius.. >
< Should we pursue the Eternal? >
< Idiot! We can't show our backs to the Earth Army! >
The voices of the soldiers filled the communication lines. Then, the smooth voice of Rau Le Creuset echoed, < We're going to withdraw. All remaining troops gather at point delta zero. >
"... Commander Creuset..." Hearing the commander's calm voice seemed to have calmed the soldiers. But Yzak couldn't quite believe Rau's calm.
< Even if we try to engage with the Earth Army, we won't do anything. >
That calm voice and smile that never changes, rubbed Yzak the wrong way. Why was Rau okay? Did he feel nothing about the deaths of his compatriots who he had fought alongside of?
... am I being deceived? Dearka?
Yzak's heart continued to be shaken by hate, a sense of duty, and suspicion.
"The attack on Boaz has begin?!" Yzak jumped into the briefing room. One subordinate approached "commander Jule" with an uneasy expression. Two defense bases were built in front of PLANT. The two space fortresses, Boaz and Jachin Due. The Earth Army fleet, at the moment, was heading for Boaz.
It was two months since returning home after pursuing the Eternal. Yzak was in an ring satellite floating near [PLANT] assigned to a military headquarters. Eventually, he was given subordinates to start his own team.
There was a time where he dreamed of being called a commander, but now that he actually had that position, his heart wasn't as pleased as it once would have been. The invasion of the homeland of PLANT had been expected for some time, though it was a general view it was never the time yet. For that reason, the expressions of the soldiers gathered in the briefing room were confused and tense. They spoke of their frustrations and doubts.
"Damn those Naturals!"
"What's the situation? How big are the enemy forces?"
"Commander, are we sortieing?" one member asked Yzak.
"Settle down. Wait until I receive an order. We still don't know the situation."
"Huh, but if Boaz were to fall..." a new recruit who had just joined began to say uneasily.
Yzak shouted back at them, "Boaz will not fall!"
"I - I'm sorry...!" The newcomer shrunk back.
Yzak regretted his temper a little. What was he doing snapping at a newcomer? Maybe he just wasn't good at being considerate to others. But even so... Boaz, Jachin Due, if these lines of defense were breached, there was nothing in the way of PLANT. Both were boasted as impregnable fortresses and a full range of soldiers. They couldn't fall by a half-hearted attack. But, that was something that the Earth Forces had to know.
Hiding his doubts, Yzak spoke gruffly to the shrinking recruits. "It may be useless to wait. I'm sure Boaz doesn't need our help!"
"Oh, that's right!" When the soldiers started to speak with enthusiasm, the new recruit smiled with relief.
Yes... Boaz cannot fall... Yet Yzak was not able to abandon the anxiety he held.
NOTES AND THOUGHTS
"Such a thing ... was there such a tragedy?" I didn't know how to TL this line well. But the jist of it was Yzak basically considering the idea of what Kira and Athrun went through being a tragic thing in general, I believe? Not in an overly emphatic way, but more of a "damn that concept sucks" one.
I think that's it for notes so.
INHALES, THEN EXHALES. I AM GONNA FUCKIN SAY A LOT ABOUT THIS Be still my forever in-fucking-love-with-DeaYza beating HEART. Also just YZAK HIMSELF, IN GENERAL, AS A CHARACTER, this novel is doing EVERYTHING FOR ME. Especially since I am!! Roleplaying!! Yzak again!! I am gonna be all over the place because I don't even know where to start.
Okay first thing's first, because once again, the whole way the novel has taken the line of "it's hard to understand the thoughts hidden in peoples' hearts" and basically GIVEN THAT TO YZAK as a catalyst for a lot his development is one of my absolute favorite things in the entire world. Oh it's something hard? Guess what Yzak does when something faces him like "you can't do this." He's like FUCK YOU, YES I CAN, WATCH!! But instead of his usual angry way to go about that action, the concept itself is a self-reflecting, emphatic emotional one, which is something he's not used to. So it's definitely a challenge for him in all ways! Especially so because he's being faced with it BECAUSE these people he knows, these people he cares about, his own best friend, all have something in their hearts that he realizes he wants to understand, he wants the answers, because he doesn't want to fight them, hurt them, see them as traitors. But that in itself is also hard which I'll go into elsewhere.
The part I love about that line and how it's being used for Yzak is that the quote specifically came from Rau. The man who has a lot in his heart, and it's all fake bullshit because his ultimate goal is just to fuck everybody, and he is VERY GOOD at having played his way to where he is to ruin everything. All things Yzak starts to question himself, especially in this batch of scenes. The fact that he stays cool when the Vesalius is destroyed, and the comrades they've spent so much time with, fought alongside for so long just died, are things Yzak start to wonder about. And I love this because of another reason Rau's words and action inspire Yzak in a way. In another scene, Rau specifically says "don't lose sight of what it is you're fighting against." And this line is adopted and fixed by Yzak when he becomes a commander himself later. He tells his soldiers to not lose sight of what you're fighting for, what you're fighting to defend, because in the midst of the battle, sometimes there is more than just a simple rule of "this person is not wearing the same uniform as you, thus, they are an enemy and need to be shot." a concept that Yzak himself struggles with in the first series, IN SO MANY OF THESE SCENES I JUST TRANSLATED FROM THE FIRST SERIES.
So part of why I love to see Yzak as a commander in Destiny is because he is literally just doing the complete opposite of what Rau did. Since he was the soldier not only left behind and alone, but also kept in the dark and told things that were fundamentally just Not Great. And that's why he's an amazing commander who can deal with soldiers who be like he used to be and also has Dearka as his right hand for a Good Cop and balance to him make the whole team, /CHEF KISS. And I say that because I started the Destiny novel stuff and their first scene is basically hilariously adorable banter between Yzak and Dearka and the crew watching it smiling so there's this implication right from the start that it's a generally Nice™ atmosphere on the Voltaire with Yzak's leadership and the crew knows he's a fucking yelly nerd but also capable and a great leader and I love to see it.
NEXT RANDOM THING. Yzak POVs are so good because it's actively showing us in real time this split between brain and heart, logic and emotion, how he's trying to find his footing between both. "I'LL SHOOT YOU TRAITOR" his military brain yells while his heart cries and goes (is this person a traitor really, though). Literally so much he says and yells out of anger is being actively questioned in his heart. And I'll use this to move into something else I wanted to talk about at a length, which is that Yzak's actions and feelings here are 100% completely valid when considering what he's known, what he currently knows in these moments, and on top of that what bombshells he learns on top of everything.
Remember we as the viewer are aware of a LOT more than Yzak himself is as a character. We're aware of the "real" shit going on, as are Kira and the neutral gang, but Yzak is actually dealing so well with what he has and his torn feelings are justified in that.
Spit Break/Alaska. We as viewers and Kira know there was more to it than that, because of witnessing the call learning the higher ups in ZAFT were just like "ZALA FUCKING LIED TO US EVERYTHING IS A MESS HERE NOW." Yzak is not aware of this upper ranking stuff in his position at the time. Kira went back to tell the Archangel and them about that real shit. Freedom was also stolen at this time. So from Yzak's POV, a random ass mobile suit came to Earth, and went "hey this is a trap" and Yzak has no idea about any of this shit, so he's just like "bitch, you lyin." Because what else could he assume with the lack of knowledge he had at the time? And not even knowing that Freedom was, at that moment, stolen - it was there and defending the Archangel, the Earth Alliance, the ones they were fighting. So of course an enemy would be like "hey you're gonna die if you don't RETREAT" in an attempt to get them to back off, since the Archangel was literally also about to be sunk.
After that was Panama where Yzak was just like "fuck this" at his comrades killing soldiers who were surrendering/not being able to move. At this time he even has doubts, and thinks, IS there some other way? But his experiences and what he knows are still less than the main cast, and keep in mind also that this is an Yzak who has been completely alone the whole time. His whole team was gone, all dead aside from Athrun who just came back and then became a top gun and left anyway. So there is a growing feeling of hatred inside of him due to that loneliness as well, because these comrades, these friends were taken from him, killed by the enemy, that was the reason he was ALONE now, and we know Yzak's personality in general is one that does not deal well at all with being left alone/feeling ignored/feeling looked over. And with no outlet for these feelings because his comrades were all GONE, he had no choice but to let it fester and grow inside of him. But he also WAS starting to question things at the same time. So he's kind of having these revelations, this want to not just Be The Baddie, killing all the Naturals actually sounds bad.
SO, the bad thoughts he also feels are like a thorny vine that's also growing alongside of his positive growth and wrapping itself all around it. They're both happening at the same time, intertwining in a way where it takes more work for him to properly work on breaking them apart.
And then with that in mind... let's get into these scenes. FIRST OF ALL and the biggest thing here is Dearka. Yzak was absolutely FLOORED when he found out he was alive, happy, but then the rest of what that meant crept up on him so his long-choking pain very easily comes out here, he was ALIVE this whole time, never came back to ZAFT, never let anyone know he was okay (something I wanna go into tooooooo here later), he was HELPING this ship that was their enemy for so long, and he still doesn't understand a damned thing about what's going on.
Yzak has a lot of the PIECES of the overall puzzle, but they're all random ones that don't quite connect together to give him the complete picture/understanding everyone else already has at this point.
So for all intents and purposes, and Yzak even thinks this himself, Dearka was alive this whole time and he had NO IDEA so he was basically abandoned, which is like The Worst Thing You Can Do To This Sensitive Boy. And yet Yzak still sees him alive, is so happy he's alive, and still wants to understand the thoughts hidden in his heart. So once again we have the twisted mesh of Yzak's pain and his growth coming out all at once here. He's happy, he's angry, he's confused! And then getting the answers only does so much to help him in that moment. Because he's already spiraling with revelations. Because what does Dearka tell him? He no longer thought all Naturals had to die. Guess what, Yzak came to that conclusion too, and yet ... here he was, standing on the opposite side with a gun pointed at him?
This is where I wanna make a small detour and talk about something ELSE here. Although Yzak himself decides to stay with ZAFT, because he wants to protect PLANT since everyone ELSE ended up LEAVING!! He still had these thoughts of like: here is the line, Yzak felt the emptiness of being left behind. But he had already made up his mind. If he left and stopped fighting too, who was going to protect PLANT? So he has/had these THOUGHTS of doing the same. And I think aside from his feeling of duty to stay and protect PLANT aside, it's also important to note something else here! Yzak never reports to anybody that Dearka is alive and defected. Dearka had something Yzak didn't, which was this kind of safety veil over him until after the war was over where he could fight for this neutral party and not be (at the time) publicly considered a traitor, much like people like Lacus, Athrun and Andy were.
And again, AGAIN!! Yzak still, after everything, did not have every piece of the puzzle and knowledge about what had been going on. It was easier for Lacus/Andy/Athrun to bounce with the full knowledge. For Yzak, it was still a incomplete picture so he didn't have that clarity they did. But despite that, he still had the thoughts, the pulling feeling to do what was right, but it wasn't the complete clarity to completely leave ZAFT to help them. So instead, he still does do what was right with the knowledge he had, which was to protect PLANT. Not kill all Naturals or anything like that anymore. And by that time THANKFULLY he was away from Rau and given his own team after that, so was already starting to take the right steps to do what he could with the power he had - even getting his own team at the end of the first series was important, because he could already start to influence them in a better way that he was influenced.
SO ANYWAY BACK TO IT. The novel actually give us a little more than the series did in what Yzak learns, which was amazing. He learns more about Miri and that she lost Tolle and tried to kill Dearka to better bring home the message of losing the people you care about and how that shit hurts everyone (even though by this time Yzak was able to get to this point of understanding himself). BUT MORE THAN THAT ... the fact that Yzak learns right then and there in the novel the specific detail that Athrun was AWARE THE WHOLE TIME that Kira was in the Strike; he even asks Dearka "so they fought each other unknowingly?" and got told OH NAH, THEY BOTH KNEW, LOL. :) That bit was just kind of this extra cherry on top on the entire shitpile of Yzak being in the shadows about EVERYTHING. Athrun the whole time fighting the Strike, why Lacus/Andy defected, Dearka also defecting but also just really being alive this whole time, the fact that he started to distrust Rau and his intentions as well as the intentions of ZAFT as a whole. Yzak has been kept in the dark about SO MUCH and he HATES THAT. I think the novel does so much more with Yzak meeting Dearka again and what they pile onto him and makes Yzak's own intentions and decisions after that a lot clearer. As well as does a great job balancing his rage and his pain in the process, because he is already dealing with a lot, finds out DEARKA is there too and alive/left him, AND THEN the Athrun bombdrop.
... and then don't forget right after that the Eternal uhhh, shoots the Vesalius down which was kind of one of Yzak's Last Things He Had. SO, DEFINITELY DID NOT HELP. And then in the chaos from THAT he's just instantly whiplashed into like, "AND RAU DOESN'T SOUND LIKE HE GIVES A SHIT?" Everything sucks from literally EVERY angle Yzak is in at that time.
So it's not even his military brain vs his heart and one of them solidly winning out here. He goes back to ZAFT because he still does not have the whole picture and his focus from then on is protecting his home. He also gets soldiers then that he could start to build into better ones than he was, who knew nothing and only wanted to head into battle for full destruction and glory.
I say start to build because. Lmao that extra scene with his new team. YELLING AT ONE BECAUSE HE IS YZAK, WHO EASILY YELLS, the soldier being like omg sorry :(, and then Yzak just thinking to himself, WOW I'M ALREADY FUCKING THIS UP. Thankfully he recovers and makes it better but I'm glad they had that moment because Yzak is truly a good leader type but he absolutely is expected to just be a bit of a hot mess at first. But him getting his own team after all that, to get away from thinking about Rau, the neutral people, etc, was exactly what he needed. It gave him something to focus on instead of stew in his confused feelings, because then his priority becomes to protect his home.
And now I'm just here to die a lot over all of the inner Yzak thoughts of just, Dearka being an enemy and ONCE AGAIN his mind shutting a thought down because, nope, he's not gonna deal with that. "His head would not accept that concept" CAN'T COPE WITH SOMETHING? JUST LITERALLY SHUT IT DOWN. And then just "am I being deceived, Dearka?" fuck me up I'm here for the otp suffering and Yzak pain. Yzak tearing up when he sees him again and then wanting to cry later when he has his gun on him. THEN CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT HIM. /FLINGS MYSELF INTO ORBIT, SOBBING
Thank you novels, for feeding me. All this time later, you held these treasures just for me to find in 2020.
And now that I'm just winding down crying over my otp I'll end this here. Next batch will be the wrap up for the SEED novels, then onto the Destiny stuff!
DISCLAIMER: My translations aren't always the best as I'm pretty meager at it, so some parts will be translated, and some may more be me summarizing jists of things as I probably had a tough time putting something into the right words. But also hey I'm basically mostly doing this for myself anyway.
Dearka felt lost. Now that he walked with Kira and Miriallia, he had a fact to face. This was ZAFT, so eventually this road could lead him to have to fight Yzak. Although he knew that from the start, he couldn't put his finger on the trigger when facing the Duel.
(Gundam fight stuff and weapon jargon here. NOT DOING IT. Duel try to slice slice etc)
No. Yzak was in there. He couldn't shoot someone who had always been a comrade up until now. Without thought, Dearka opened the communication line. "Yzak!" The frequency seemed to be the same as it used to be. After the sound of a sharp intake of breath A familiar voice came from the speaker.
< ...Dearka!? > It felt like so long since he last heard that voice.
< Dearka...? Is it really you? > Yzak asked in a whisper. Dearka answered as the he turned the camera on the monitor on. "Yeah... it is."
The monitor showed that the handsome face of his friend was still marked with the scar. It was the same old stubborn Yzak. Yzak's eyes were wide, dumbfounded, as he stared at Dearka on the monitor. That stunned expression gradually stiffened, and he then stared back at Dearka with a look of betrayal.
< Why are you with the Strike? What's going on, you bastard!? >
Hesitantly, Dearka raised his head. Yzak - a friend who was so stubbornly loyal to the army, how could he explain himself to him?
< I'm glad you're alive, but depending on how you answer, I might not be able to forgive you! > Though his eyes faintly swelled with tears, Yzak didn't lower his weapon.
"Yzak..." Dearka already knew. Whatever he'd try to explain, to Yzak's perception, could be taken as nothing more than an act of betrayal. But just as Dearka was going to answer--
< Dearka! >
A third voice interrupted the communication. Dearka looked at the monitor and saw the Freedom coming in from the port. "Kira!"
< That... that machine is...! > Yzak's voice shouted in surprise. He hesitated for a moment, then turned his aircraft toward it, but Dearka quickly moved between them.
"Stop it, Yzak! And Kira, too!" When Dearka yelled, Kira immediately realized the situation and stopped, hovering in front of the Buster. "Leave this guy to me!" He didn't want to fight Yzak. And just as much, he didn't want Kira to fight him, either.
< Is it really okay? > Kira asked quizzically, and Dearka replied with a 'yeah' as confidently as he could. < I understand. > Kira turned his aircraft away, but muttered as he moved away, < But, please don't let this turn into what happened between Athrun and I... >
Dearka was terrified when he realized. Despite being friends, those two turned into enemies and tried to kill one another. At this rate, he could very well repeat the same mistakes the old Kira made.
< Athrun...? > Yzak repeated the name with a confused look. He also seemed to recognize Freedom. He was probably wondering what the relationship between this Kira and Athrun was, what with them fighting for the coalition. Even if it was told to him, he might not understand...
Looking at the childlike-bewildered expression in the monitor, Dearka realized there was no use in just worrying about it. No matter how difficult it was, if he didn't want to fight Yzak, there was one thing he had to do.
Dearka opened the hatch. Yzak took in a breath.
"Let's talk without pointing guns at each other ... Yzak."
If you don't want to kill each other, you can only try talking to each other.
Buster descends to the surface, and Yzak watched it for a while. He couldn't make any sense of it. Dearka was alive when he thought he was dead, why was he in such a place? Alongside the Strike and the Freedom, and having a friendly conversation with the pilot? And why did they mention Athrun?
He didn't understand anything.
He thought Dearka could be an irresponsible guy, but not the kind that would betray his country. But when he thought about it, he couldn't understand why Athrun and Lacus did the same. There was no way for him to understand the thoughts hidden in their hearts.
"Let's talk without pointing guns at each other ... Yzak."
Recalling Dearka's earlier words, Yzak bit his lip. He didn't need to hear the story of a traitor. Action was everything. Although Dearka was alive, he never returned to the team. Not only was that considered a desertion crime, but he was also acting along with traitors. Wasn't that enough of a reason to kill him? But Yzak hesitated. Because he wanted to know. Dearka, Athrun, Lacus, Waltfeld, what they thought and why they left. Even though the anger toward them and their betrayal still remained. But, Yzak still wanted to understand the thoughts hidden in their hearts.
So he let the Duel descend in front of the Buster and got out of the cockpit. At The sight of Yzak landing on the dry earth, Dearka approached him with a look of relief. Yzak held up a pistol to his face.
"Without pointing a gun... I'm not so naive to believe an enemy's words!" Dearka's legs stopped at the sight of the gun. [Yzak] would listen to him. However, if he tried to conciliate him with some nice words, he'd change his mind about that.
Dearka looked at the determined expression on Yzak's face and sighed impatiently. "Am I really your enemy?"
When asked that, Yzak's hand that held his gun shook. No - Dearka was a friend. He's been there since they were in military school, and could dissuade Yzak's short temper as an intercession to the people around him.
So why do I have to point my gun at this guy now!?
It was Yzak who couldn't do it. "You're the one who became my enemy!" he yelled, feeling like he wanted to cry. This guy - he's the one who left me behind!
But then Dearka answered, "I don't remember becoming your enemy."
"Give me a break! You're a traitor!" Yzak yelled, holding his gun tight, worried that [Dearka] was trying to cajole him.
But Dearka continued steadily, staring at the gun. "And I'm not betraying PLANT either."
"What did you say!?"
"I just think, Naturals..." Dearka gave a sharp look that Yzak had never seen before. "I don't want to silently obey military orders and fight just to wipe out the Naturals!"
Wipe out the Naturals? Yzak was shocked by the words and unintentionally lowered his gun a little. Is that what they were trying to do? Yzak recalled the voice of the mechanic that had innocently spoke. 'We'll wipe out all the Naturals with these in no time, right?' Is that what they desired?
Dearka noticed Yzak's hesitation and smiled. "I've.. been fighting all this time without thinking." Yes, so was Yzak. "But when I became a prisoner, I thought about a lot, because what else did I have to do?" Dearka talked awkwardly about the fact that he had surrendered to and had been held on the Archangel. About how he was almost killed by a girl who had lost her loved one. "Until now, I always thought of Naturals as something so different from us. But what was the difference between their tears and the tears you shed when Nicol died? I thought..."
That's right. Natural's bled the same as he did. Yzak already knew that. But... "That's..." Yzak yelled out. "So now you's stopped killing Naturals, and are going to kill Coordinators instead?!"
"You're wrong." Dearka answered softly, with a calmness that never existed before. "We want to stop all that. That's why we're here."
Yzak's eyes widened, unable to understand what the other person was saying. "Lacus Clyne, commander Waltfeld, the same goes for those on the Eternal. Naturals killing Coordinators, Coordinators killing Naturals, we have to do something before everyone is killed, and that's why we're all together here."
Yzak was stunned, but he asked, "So - what are you doing to do?"
"Well, I don't really know yet."
"That's foolish, you bastard!" Yzak yelled in spite of himself. "You're being fooled! What can you do with three battleships?!"
Dearka laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "If you say you can't do anything, and then don't do anything, you really can't do anything."
"...!"
"That's what Kira - Freedom's pilot said. He was also Strike's former pilot."
Strike - the word still had the power to make Yzak's heart burn. Stunned, Yzak recalled the voice of the boy he heard before: 'Stop it already!' In Alaska, he had accidentally saved Yzak's life - no it wasn't an accident. Perhaps he had made up his mind since then. That was why he tried to save lives, regardless of if they were friend or foe. That boy was the enemy they used to fight with constantly? The one who injured Yzak's face, who killed Nicol--? When Yzak remembered that, his hatred reflexively started to rise.
To the already confused Yzak, Dearka gave an even more shocking statement. "He's also a Coordinator." Yzak's eyes went wide when he heard those words. But Dearka continued with an inconsolable expression, "And a friend of Athrun's since they were children."
"... What did you say?" Athrun was--? Friends? Yzak felt a chill running up his spine. "Unknowingly... they tried to kill each other?"
"No. They were aware from the very beginning. That their friend was in the enemy unit."
"That's ridiculous!" Yzak shouted, forgetting everything. Every time Strike was in front of them, a dark shadow falling over Athrun's face came to Yzak's mind. Such a thing ... was there such a tragedy?
"But if someone is an enemy, you have to shoot them, as a soldier." Dearka said bitterly. Although Yzak was still stunned, when Dearka met his gaze, he realized it. They were also facing that same situation. "Maybe I haven't seen as much as they have or have the same amount of devotion. But I've seen things." Dearka said with a decisive tone. "Seeing them. Seeing Alaska, Panama and Orb - I can't just return to ZAFT and continue taking orders after that."
"Dearka...!" Yzak was still stunned. Why? At first, he couldn't believe it. That they would betray PLANT and help the Earth Alliance. That was why he wanted to confirm their true intentions. But even upon hearing them, Yzak regretted knowing. If they were simply betraying them and joining the enemy, he could pull the trigger with no hesitation. However, with a resolve that [Yzak] never saw before, Dearka took a third path where he was neither an enemy nor an ally. Yzak on the other hand, felt as if the ground he stood on suddenly started to shake. Did he really have any words to refute [Dearka]?
He couldn't forgive the Strike. He couldn't forgive the enemy who killed Nicol. However, the people who chose to fight alongside that pilot--? These others who would also be an 'enemy' - Athurn, as well as the person standing in front of him telling him about the path he chose, could he really shoot them? The value of being a soldier required Yzak to shoot the enemy. However even though those values were very clear, he cannot eliminate the doubt in his heart. To shoot ... to not shoot... Yzak's heart kept swaying. The hand that held the gun was clammy.
Suddenly there was the faint sound of an explosion in the distance, the ground beneath Yzak's feet shook. The two realized the battle that had been interrupted had began again. They both knew that the time they had to speak to one another was over. The voice of his superior flowed out of the Yzak's communicator, mixed with other noises.
< Yzak... can you hear me?! Let's go... >
Hearing the voice, Dearka turned to return to his machine. Yzak hurriedly raised his gun. Dearka looked back over his shoulder, and despite the gun being pointed at him spoke casually. "If you think anyone not in ZAFT is an enemy, then shoot." Despite saying that, he didn't think he'd be shot. And certainly, Yzak couldn't shoot him. Whatever Dearka says, he was a deserter and a traitor. Even though he knew it was his duty to shoot such an opponent, Yzak couldn't shoot someone who was once his partner.
"You're being deceived!" What Dearka had told him was confusing, trying to stop a war with three ships that weren't on either side. Yzak didn't think it was right to simply win by killing all the Naturals. But those beliefs had to also be held by those who held higher ranks. How can people be so stupid?
But Dearka's answer was ironic. "I wonder who really is, here..."
Am I really being decieved?
Yzak stared at him. It was the only thing he could do now.
"I may not know, but I'm going." Dearka said in the end, sadly. "If it's possible, I'd rather not have to fight with you." He grabbed onto the ladder and headed up to the cockpit.
You're the one who turned into an enemy, and are saying such things...!
But- were they really the enemies...? Yzak watched Dearka disappear behind the hatch, while suppressing his wavering heart.
Around the same time on the other side of the colony.
On the Vesalius, Ades was impatiently looking at the clock waiting for the commander to return. Having lost its head and both legs, the Duel helped [Rau's GuAIZ] return to the gate.
Feeling too impatient to power down his machine when he landed, Yzak hurriedly climbed out of the cockpit and headed to the gate. Rau was in the cockpit when he retrieved the machine and had instructed to make haste in returning. His voice had sounded distressed, but Yzak didn't care if he had been injured. However, by the time he rushed to the cockpit it was empty. Yzak looked around, perplexed. Rau was nowhere to be found. Was he rushing to the bridge to take command? In that case it would have been faster to just communicate from the cockpit. Yzak, who had only seen his calm side, felt a sense of discomfort, but at least he didn't seem injured in that case.
A brief relief he felt, until the memory of his previous experience came back to mind, and Yzak bit his lip.
Enemy... Dearka, an enemy...
His head would not accept that concept. Even though Athrun and Lacus were difficult to think of as traitors, this was the person he was closest to, or at least he thought they were friends...
At the same time, there was something in Dearka's expression and demeanor he had never seen before. While they were apart, Dearka changed. Yzak felt the emptiness of being left behind. But he had already made up his mind. If he left and stopped fighting too, who was going to protect PLANT? Even now, the Earth Forces are sending soldiers and supplies from Victoria into space over and over. It wasn't possible to protect PLANT from them unless he fought. Protecting PLANT, that was the reason he entered ZAFT...
Yzak, who had been fighting in the Duel, was also watching that light. "The Vesalius is..?!" He stared at the light, appalled. The last moment of their other former battleship, the Gamow, which was destroyed along with the 8th Fleet, came to mind. "Damn it...!"
He clenched his fist tightly. Ades, the familiar crew, that mechanic who innocently commented about wiping out the enemy, were scattered in that light. Like the Gamow, but also not like the Gamow. It was Dearka, Athrun, Lacus, Waltfeld, his former brethren that shot down this ship.
Unforgivable, I can't forgive you..! Yzak clenches his teeth to try to hold back tears.
With the flagship sunk, the remaining ships and mobile suit squadrons were sent into confusion.
< What the hell? The Vesalius.. >
< Should we pursue the Eternal? >
< Idiot! We can't show our backs to the Earth Army! >
The voices of the soldiers filled the communication lines. Then, the smooth voice of Rau Le Creuset echoed, < We're going to withdraw. All remaining troops gather at point delta zero. >
"... Commander Creuset..." Hearing the commander's calm voice seemed to have calmed the soldiers. But Yzak couldn't quite believe Rau's calm.
< Even if we try to engage with the Earth Army, we won't do anything. >
That calm voice and smile that never changes, rubbed Yzak the wrong way. Why was Rau okay? Did he feel nothing about the deaths of his compatriots who he had fought alongside of?
... am I being deceived? Dearka?
Yzak's heart continued to be shaken by hate, a sense of duty, and suspicion.
"The attack on Boaz has begin?!" Yzak jumped into the briefing room. One subordinate approached "commander Jule" with an uneasy expression. Two defense bases were built in front of PLANT. The two space fortresses, Boaz and Jachin Due. The Earth Army fleet, at the moment, was heading for Boaz.
It was two months since returning home after pursuing the Eternal. Yzak was in an ring satellite floating near [PLANT] assigned to a military headquarters. Eventually, he was given subordinates to start his own team.
There was a time where he dreamed of being called a commander, but now that he actually had that position, his heart wasn't as pleased as it once would have been. The invasion of the homeland of PLANT had been expected for some time, though it was a general view it was never the time yet. For that reason, the expressions of the soldiers gathered in the briefing room were confused and tense. They spoke of their frustrations and doubts.
"Damn those Naturals!"
"What's the situation? How big are the enemy forces?"
"Commander, are we sortieing?" one member asked Yzak.
"Settle down. Wait until I receive an order. We still don't know the situation."
"Huh, but if Boaz were to fall..." a new recruit who had just joined began to say uneasily.
Yzak shouted back at them, "Boaz will not fall!"
"I - I'm sorry...!" The newcomer shrunk back.
Yzak regretted his temper a little. What was he doing snapping at a newcomer? Maybe he just wasn't good at being considerate to others. But even so... Boaz, Jachin Due, if these lines of defense were breached, there was nothing in the way of PLANT. Both were boasted as impregnable fortresses and a full range of soldiers. They couldn't fall by a half-hearted attack. But, that was something that the Earth Forces had to know.
Hiding his doubts, Yzak spoke gruffly to the shrinking recruits. "It may be useless to wait. I'm sure Boaz doesn't need our help!"
"Oh, that's right!" When the soldiers started to speak with enthusiasm, the new recruit smiled with relief.
Yes... Boaz cannot fall... Yet Yzak was not able to abandon the anxiety he held.
NOTES AND THOUGHTS
"Such a thing ... was there such a tragedy?" I didn't know how to TL this line well. But the jist of it was Yzak basically considering the idea of what Kira and Athrun went through being a tragic thing in general, I believe? Not in an overly emphatic way, but more of a "damn that concept sucks" one.
I think that's it for notes so.
INHALES, THEN EXHALES. I AM GONNA FUCKIN SAY A LOT ABOUT THIS Be still my forever in-fucking-love-with-DeaYza beating HEART. Also just YZAK HIMSELF, IN GENERAL, AS A CHARACTER, this novel is doing EVERYTHING FOR ME. Especially since I am!! Roleplaying!! Yzak again!! I am gonna be all over the place because I don't even know where to start.
Okay first thing's first, because once again, the whole way the novel has taken the line of "it's hard to understand the thoughts hidden in peoples' hearts" and basically GIVEN THAT TO YZAK as a catalyst for a lot his development is one of my absolute favorite things in the entire world. Oh it's something hard? Guess what Yzak does when something faces him like "you can't do this." He's like FUCK YOU, YES I CAN, WATCH!! But instead of his usual angry way to go about that action, the concept itself is a self-reflecting, emphatic emotional one, which is something he's not used to. So it's definitely a challenge for him in all ways! Especially so because he's being faced with it BECAUSE these people he knows, these people he cares about, his own best friend, all have something in their hearts that he realizes he wants to understand, he wants the answers, because he doesn't want to fight them, hurt them, see them as traitors. But that in itself is also hard which I'll go into elsewhere.
The part I love about that line and how it's being used for Yzak is that the quote specifically came from Rau. The man who has a lot in his heart, and it's all fake bullshit because his ultimate goal is just to fuck everybody, and he is VERY GOOD at having played his way to where he is to ruin everything. All things Yzak starts to question himself, especially in this batch of scenes. The fact that he stays cool when the Vesalius is destroyed, and the comrades they've spent so much time with, fought alongside for so long just died, are things Yzak start to wonder about. And I love this because of another reason Rau's words and action inspire Yzak in a way. In another scene, Rau specifically says "don't lose sight of what it is you're fighting against." And this line is adopted and fixed by Yzak when he becomes a commander himself later. He tells his soldiers to not lose sight of what you're fighting for, what you're fighting to defend, because in the midst of the battle, sometimes there is more than just a simple rule of "this person is not wearing the same uniform as you, thus, they are an enemy and need to be shot." a concept that Yzak himself struggles with in the first series, IN SO MANY OF THESE SCENES I JUST TRANSLATED FROM THE FIRST SERIES.
So part of why I love to see Yzak as a commander in Destiny is because he is literally just doing the complete opposite of what Rau did. Since he was the soldier not only left behind and alone, but also kept in the dark and told things that were fundamentally just Not Great. And that's why he's an amazing commander who can deal with soldiers who be like he used to be and also has Dearka as his right hand for a Good Cop and balance to him make the whole team, /CHEF KISS. And I say that because I started the Destiny novel stuff and their first scene is basically hilariously adorable banter between Yzak and Dearka and the crew watching it smiling so there's this implication right from the start that it's a generally Nice™ atmosphere on the Voltaire with Yzak's leadership and the crew knows he's a fucking yelly nerd but also capable and a great leader and I love to see it.
NEXT RANDOM THING. Yzak POVs are so good because it's actively showing us in real time this split between brain and heart, logic and emotion, how he's trying to find his footing between both. "I'LL SHOOT YOU TRAITOR" his military brain yells while his heart cries and goes (is this person a traitor really, though). Literally so much he says and yells out of anger is being actively questioned in his heart. And I'll use this to move into something else I wanted to talk about at a length, which is that Yzak's actions and feelings here are 100% completely valid when considering what he's known, what he currently knows in these moments, and on top of that what bombshells he learns on top of everything.
Remember we as the viewer are aware of a LOT more than Yzak himself is as a character. We're aware of the "real" shit going on, as are Kira and the neutral gang, but Yzak is actually dealing so well with what he has and his torn feelings are justified in that.
Spit Break/Alaska. We as viewers and Kira know there was more to it than that, because of witnessing the call learning the higher ups in ZAFT were just like "ZALA FUCKING LIED TO US EVERYTHING IS A MESS HERE NOW." Yzak is not aware of this upper ranking stuff in his position at the time. Kira went back to tell the Archangel and them about that real shit. Freedom was also stolen at this time. So from Yzak's POV, a random ass mobile suit came to Earth, and went "hey this is a trap" and Yzak has no idea about any of this shit, so he's just like "bitch, you lyin." Because what else could he assume with the lack of knowledge he had at the time? And not even knowing that Freedom was, at that moment, stolen - it was there and defending the Archangel, the Earth Alliance, the ones they were fighting. So of course an enemy would be like "hey you're gonna die if you don't RETREAT" in an attempt to get them to back off, since the Archangel was literally also about to be sunk.
After that was Panama where Yzak was just like "fuck this" at his comrades killing soldiers who were surrendering/not being able to move. At this time he even has doubts, and thinks, IS there some other way? But his experiences and what he knows are still less than the main cast, and keep in mind also that this is an Yzak who has been completely alone the whole time. His whole team was gone, all dead aside from Athrun who just came back and then became a top gun and left anyway. So there is a growing feeling of hatred inside of him due to that loneliness as well, because these comrades, these friends were taken from him, killed by the enemy, that was the reason he was ALONE now, and we know Yzak's personality in general is one that does not deal well at all with being left alone/feeling ignored/feeling looked over. And with no outlet for these feelings because his comrades were all GONE, he had no choice but to let it fester and grow inside of him. But he also WAS starting to question things at the same time. So he's kind of having these revelations, this want to not just Be The Baddie, killing all the Naturals actually sounds bad.
SO, the bad thoughts he also feels are like a thorny vine that's also growing alongside of his positive growth and wrapping itself all around it. They're both happening at the same time, intertwining in a way where it takes more work for him to properly work on breaking them apart.
And then with that in mind... let's get into these scenes. FIRST OF ALL and the biggest thing here is Dearka. Yzak was absolutely FLOORED when he found out he was alive, happy, but then the rest of what that meant crept up on him so his long-choking pain very easily comes out here, he was ALIVE this whole time, never came back to ZAFT, never let anyone know he was okay (something I wanna go into tooooooo here later), he was HELPING this ship that was their enemy for so long, and he still doesn't understand a damned thing about what's going on.
Yzak has a lot of the PIECES of the overall puzzle, but they're all random ones that don't quite connect together to give him the complete picture/understanding everyone else already has at this point.
So for all intents and purposes, and Yzak even thinks this himself, Dearka was alive this whole time and he had NO IDEA so he was basically abandoned, which is like The Worst Thing You Can Do To This Sensitive Boy. And yet Yzak still sees him alive, is so happy he's alive, and still wants to understand the thoughts hidden in his heart. So once again we have the twisted mesh of Yzak's pain and his growth coming out all at once here. He's happy, he's angry, he's confused! And then getting the answers only does so much to help him in that moment. Because he's already spiraling with revelations. Because what does Dearka tell him? He no longer thought all Naturals had to die. Guess what, Yzak came to that conclusion too, and yet ... here he was, standing on the opposite side with a gun pointed at him?
This is where I wanna make a small detour and talk about something ELSE here. Although Yzak himself decides to stay with ZAFT, because he wants to protect PLANT since everyone ELSE ended up LEAVING!! He still had these thoughts of like: here is the line, Yzak felt the emptiness of being left behind. But he had already made up his mind. If he left and stopped fighting too, who was going to protect PLANT? So he has/had these THOUGHTS of doing the same. And I think aside from his feeling of duty to stay and protect PLANT aside, it's also important to note something else here! Yzak never reports to anybody that Dearka is alive and defected. Dearka had something Yzak didn't, which was this kind of safety veil over him until after the war was over where he could fight for this neutral party and not be (at the time) publicly considered a traitor, much like people like Lacus, Athrun and Andy were.
And again, AGAIN!! Yzak still, after everything, did not have every piece of the puzzle and knowledge about what had been going on. It was easier for Lacus/Andy/Athrun to bounce with the full knowledge. For Yzak, it was still a incomplete picture so he didn't have that clarity they did. But despite that, he still had the thoughts, the pulling feeling to do what was right, but it wasn't the complete clarity to completely leave ZAFT to help them. So instead, he still does do what was right with the knowledge he had, which was to protect PLANT. Not kill all Naturals or anything like that anymore. And by that time THANKFULLY he was away from Rau and given his own team after that, so was already starting to take the right steps to do what he could with the power he had - even getting his own team at the end of the first series was important, because he could already start to influence them in a better way that he was influenced.
SO ANYWAY BACK TO IT. The novel actually give us a little more than the series did in what Yzak learns, which was amazing. He learns more about Miri and that she lost Tolle and tried to kill Dearka to better bring home the message of losing the people you care about and how that shit hurts everyone (even though by this time Yzak was able to get to this point of understanding himself). BUT MORE THAN THAT ... the fact that Yzak learns right then and there in the novel the specific detail that Athrun was AWARE THE WHOLE TIME that Kira was in the Strike; he even asks Dearka "so they fought each other unknowingly?" and got told OH NAH, THEY BOTH KNEW, LOL. :) That bit was just kind of this extra cherry on top on the entire shitpile of Yzak being in the shadows about EVERYTHING. Athrun the whole time fighting the Strike, why Lacus/Andy defected, Dearka also defecting but also just really being alive this whole time, the fact that he started to distrust Rau and his intentions as well as the intentions of ZAFT as a whole. Yzak has been kept in the dark about SO MUCH and he HATES THAT. I think the novel does so much more with Yzak meeting Dearka again and what they pile onto him and makes Yzak's own intentions and decisions after that a lot clearer. As well as does a great job balancing his rage and his pain in the process, because he is already dealing with a lot, finds out DEARKA is there too and alive/left him, AND THEN the Athrun bombdrop.
... and then don't forget right after that the Eternal uhhh, shoots the Vesalius down which was kind of one of Yzak's Last Things He Had. SO, DEFINITELY DID NOT HELP. And then in the chaos from THAT he's just instantly whiplashed into like, "AND RAU DOESN'T SOUND LIKE HE GIVES A SHIT?" Everything sucks from literally EVERY angle Yzak is in at that time.
So it's not even his military brain vs his heart and one of them solidly winning out here. He goes back to ZAFT because he still does not have the whole picture and his focus from then on is protecting his home. He also gets soldiers then that he could start to build into better ones than he was, who knew nothing and only wanted to head into battle for full destruction and glory.
I say start to build because. Lmao that extra scene with his new team. YELLING AT ONE BECAUSE HE IS YZAK, WHO EASILY YELLS, the soldier being like omg sorry :(, and then Yzak just thinking to himself, WOW I'M ALREADY FUCKING THIS UP. Thankfully he recovers and makes it better but I'm glad they had that moment because Yzak is truly a good leader type but he absolutely is expected to just be a bit of a hot mess at first. But him getting his own team after all that, to get away from thinking about Rau, the neutral people, etc, was exactly what he needed. It gave him something to focus on instead of stew in his confused feelings, because then his priority becomes to protect his home.
And now I'm just here to die a lot over all of the inner Yzak thoughts of just, Dearka being an enemy and ONCE AGAIN his mind shutting a thought down because, nope, he's not gonna deal with that. "His head would not accept that concept" CAN'T COPE WITH SOMETHING? JUST LITERALLY SHUT IT DOWN. And then just "am I being deceived, Dearka?" fuck me up I'm here for the otp suffering and Yzak pain. Yzak tearing up when he sees him again and then wanting to cry later when he has his gun on him. THEN CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT HIM. /FLINGS MYSELF INTO ORBIT, SOBBING
Thank you novels, for feeding me. All this time later, you held these treasures just for me to find in 2020.
And now that I'm just winding down crying over my otp I'll end this here. Next batch will be the wrap up for the SEED novels, then onto the Destiny stuff!